Untitled
I do not know how to be in this world. I do not know how to be happy. I do not know how to let things go. I do not know how to move on. I do not know how to look forward. I do not know how to begin again. I do not know…
The truth about my worth
We all have problems with our parents. I mean as humans we all fail, we all make big mistakes, we all do things we regret. We all have things we wish out parents would have done better, differently. We all want a do over with them on some level, and we all want to confront…
Disquiet
If all that happened never had, would I still be outside? Would I have still chosen the path filled with thorns and twisted metal? Would I sit alone, waiting for it to be over still? Would I still imagine all the ways to sink into that final darkness? Would the visions of my own demise…
Next Time
The next time I am born, I want it to be to a mother that does not resent me. Sometimes I can see her, in my minds eye. I wonder if she is out there somehow, seeing me. It would be wonderful to not be so alone. She smells of topsoil and rainy sidewalks and…
As long as I don’t.
I can express myself as long as I don’t say anything “bad” about anyone related to him. As long as I don’t say anything he does not like, I am fine. I can have space, as long as I don’t take up even a tiny bit of his. I can be in a bad mood,…
Boxes
The sound of the tape gun brings memories. The smell of the cardboard and the itch it leaves on your forearms, the permanent marker pressing ink into the tops of boxes that label my life. What to keep and what to get rid of is often an emotional process. I am the type of person…
Window
I have difficulty understanding many things. I have difficulty understanding family dynamics, since mine were such a mess. I have difficulty understanding what it means to have a true friend, someone who comes to see you in the hospital, or who remembers your birthday, or who sends you encouraging notes. I do not have one…
Faded Dreams, Torn Fabric
I woke up this morning, as I do most mornings in a ridiculous amount of pain. I had been crying in my sleep again, my eyes swollen and nearly stuck shut. I needed to sleep, to rest, to just be. But of course in today’s America, we are not allowed to sleep or rest. Because…
Goals, and why we must rethink them.
In America, we are often told that if you work really hard, you will get ahead. Most of us know that it no longer the truth. I personally have worked full time since I was about 14, and had part time jobs even before then. I have worked two and three jobs most of my…
Half
I heard today that they will be letting 50% of us go. I realize as I write this that the term “letting go” is much nicer than what they are really doing. We are being fired. Half of us. We will not be offered a position next school year. This during some of the worst…
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Words that must be heard 