Untitled

I do not know how to be in this world. I do not know how to be happy. I do not know how to let things go. I do not know how to move on. I do not know how to look forward. I do not know how to begin again. I do not know how to let light in, or shut the dark out. I do not know how to love people in a functional way. I do not know how to keep harm out of my life. I do not know how to be alone most of the time. I do not know how to have easy, surface relationships. I do not know how to have regular conversations. I do not know how to be fully honest in any relationship. I do not know how to be this person that I am anymore.

I do not want to.

I do not know how to be loved. I do not know how to trust. I do not know how to take a compliment. I do not know how to let my guard down. I do not know how to find a reason to. I do not know how to feel better.

I do not want to.

I do not know how to breathe without pain. I do not know how to inhabit a failing body. I do not know how to find a purpose. I do not know how to do everything that my therapist tells me too. I do not know how to fight off the urges anymore.

I do not want to.

I take the pills, and drink the water, and go for walks, and do all that I am supposed to. It is not helping. I keep the appointments, I say the affirmations. I take the pills. I force myself up. I force myself out. I try to eat.

I do not want to, not anymore.