Locked Door

I knew that the bathroom door lock was easily popped, but I had nowhere else to hide. I had my phone and my exacto knife and was holding the door closed with my legs. He was pounding from the outside, wanting to be let in. I could not breath as the sobbs were closing my throat and hitching in my chest. I ran the blade over the tender skin of the inside of my arm. Everything went silent. I could breath. The noise at the door became very far away. I did it again, for you see, I was coping in red. Crimson drops splattered the cheap linoleum floor. Another cut, another breath. So beautiful, so alive. The vibrancy of its color, texture and smell drained the tension and the betrayal out of my body. My shoulders dropped, another deep breath. Soon I had a ruby evening glove on my right arm. I stared at it with great interest and admiration. This was mine, and I could control it. The feel of the drip on my thighs was a soothing balm against the lie. Lies. Another Lie. How many lies? So many lies. So many women, so many hidden bottles of cough syrup, so many deleted messages, so many nights of denials and blown pupils. So many slurred words and redirections and cover ups. I knew. I always knew. I could not do this one more time, but here I was doing it one more time, going through it one more time, finding the hidden one more time.

My back pressed against the toilet tank I pressed the door closed again. I slid the blade just one more time. I needed just a little more. The sting released a flood of endorphins and I could see once again. I splashed and dripped like the finest wine, juxtaposed against the cheap flooring. So strange in its difference, so much more alike than I understood. He wants me to stop, to “Act like an adult”, so says the addict. I say to just let me calm down. I swallow the humiliation, the disrespect, the sadness and dial the number.

It rings once, twice, and someone answers, a lifeline. I break into sobs again. They ask whats going on and how can they help. I know they can’t really help, but at least someone would listen to me and be on my side. I look at my evening glove, starting to become darker and sticky. I tell them everything. They listen and say they are so sorry that this is happening. They ask if I need an ambulance….I did. But I said no. I could not afford it and one more bill would put me right here again. Behind the locked door. They give me kind words and do their best to follow the script. I am grateful and appreciative that they have tried so hard. I end the call. I sit in the bathroom and wait. He is still there, on the other side of the door. Still high. Still denying. Still cheating. And I wait.

I go over and over in my mind all the things I had done, all the sacrifices I have made, all the things I had lost. For him. I wonder what else I could have done. I made no difference in his path of destruction. I was not important. This is something I had always known, and it was more deeply understood now than ever. I could not leave, I have no where to go. I have no one else. This is it, its as good as it gets. I look down at the smears on the floor and am dazed by the simple beauty of the inside gone out. I reach up and switch off the light. I am again able to breath.

The light seeps under the door and the knocking begins again. I am covered in blood. I have to get up. I have to get going. I can’t stay here. He wins again. I accept defeat with a nod in its direction. Again. I flip the switch and begin cleaning the floor. I wait to wash my arm, as it will make me so sad to see it all go down the drain without having changed anything at all. The water stings in a comforting way, I know this pain. Its always the devil you know that gets you. I hide the knife under the cabinet floor. I put on the extra large bandage I bought for just such an occasion. Two ought to do it. I try to avoid looking in the mirror, but catch a glimpse as I reach for the door. Swollen, red blotches on top of sheet white. Circles under my eyes bruising, lips blue. Maybe it was too much this time. I was almost scared.

I shrugged. I shut down all feeling. I switch off the light. I open the locked door.